Life feels fine on the outside. But inside? It’s flat. Foggy. Like you’re moving through the motions, but not really in them. I call this default mode living — the quiet numbness that creeps in when routine becomes survival, and presence quietly disappears. In this piece, I’ll share how a moment with my daughter helped me recognize that numbness in myself — and how we can begin to return to aliveness, one small shift at a time.

(Want to go deeper? Tomorrow’s guide for paid subscribers includes body-based tools to gently step out of autopilot — including somatic check-ins, reflection prompts, and a “5% shift” practice to help you feel more awake in your own life. Paid subscribers will also get a short, guided meditation you can listen to each morning this week—just a couple of minutes to help you gently shift out of autopilot and begin living the article, not just reading it.)

It started with my 11-year-old daughter, Jordan.

She was wandering around the house one afternoon— not exactly upset, but clearly unsettled. I could feel her energy drifting. In checking in with her, she looked at me, shrugged, and said with surprising clarity:

“I just feel like my life is boring. I do the same things every day. Eat the same foods. Wake up at the same time. Go to sleep at the same time.”

I looked at her in awe. Not just for the depth of her self-awareness, but for how clearly she’d named something I hadn’t even allowed myself to admit.

That feeling that life had somehow... dulled. The quiet hum of monotony, the way the days blurred, the weight of predictability disguised as stability. And her words echoed back:

“Every day feels the same.”

And suddenly, I could feel it in my own body.

Not real pain. Not a crisis. But it all felt…flat. Predictable. Dimmed. A life on autopilot.

And that scared me more than burnout ever did. 

The Default Mode Dilemma

There’s a name for this kind of existence: Groundhog Day living.

It’s when each day starts to feel indistinguishable from the last. When we stop feeling the texture of time. When we move through our lives in a kind of functional fog.

This state often looks fine on the outside. You're meeting deadlines, checking boxes, showing up for your people. But inside, something begins to flatten.

This “default mode” isn’t neutral—it’s numbing.

And the worst part? It’s quiet. It doesn’t scream for your attention. It doesn’t feel urgent enough to disrupt.

So it becomes easy to ignore.

Easy to keep moving through the motions, even as a part of you quietly fades.

Why We Default: The Nervous System’s Protective Design

This isn’t a personal failing. It’s how we’re wired.

Our nervous systems crave safety through predictability. They seek patterns, routines, known outcomes. These things help us feel in control.

And that’s helpful—until it becomes imprisoning.

When we live in rigid routines, we reinforce the message:

Familiar = safe. Different = dangerous.

So even when we crave change, our bodies may tighten at the idea. Even small shifts—changing up a meal, saying no to a recurring obligation, taking a new route home—can feel disproportionately uncomfortable.

Why? Because your system is trying to protect you from perceived threat.

And here’s the paradox:

• The aliveness we’re longing for lives in the unknown.

• But our systems have been trained to brace against the unknown.

This means we end up caught between longing and resistance.

The Hidden Cost of Numb Comfort

The slow erosion of vitality doesn’t usually come with a clear wake-up call.

It sneaks in through sameness. Through routines that used to feel grounding but now feel stifling. Through the slow fade of play, spontaneity, and risk.

We shrink—not all at once, but over time.

Our laughter becomes quieter. Our relationships become more transactional. We stop reaching out just to connect. We stop making space for wonder.

And our bodies speak to us in whispers:

• The constant low-level tiredness

• The restlessness that has no clear direction

• The tension in the chest when we realize a whole week has gone by and we didn’t feel much of anything

This isn’t because we’re lazy or broken.

It’s because we’ve adapted to a life that stopped asking anything new of us.

The Biological Cost of Living on Autopilot

Default mode living doesn’t just dull our joy—it taxes our bodies, too.

When we stay in autopilot—especially under mild but constant dissatisfaction—our nervous system remains in a low-grade stress response. We're not in crisis, but we’re not in true rest either. We’re coping, not thriving.

Here’s what that looks like under the hood:

Cortisol & Inflammation

• Cortisol, our primary stress hormone, is meant to spike briefly—then drop. But when we live in cycles of disengagement or low-level stress, it becomes chronically elevated or blunted, which throws our system off balance.

• This contributes to:

  • Systemic inflammation

  • Disrupted sleep

  • Weight gain and insulin resistance

  • Lowered immunity

  • Increased risk for anxiety and depression

Emotional Flatness & Brain Fog

• When we numb out to avoid discomfort, we don’t just dampen pain—we also dull our capacity for pleasure.

• Emotional suppression creates a kind of fog that can make it hard to:

  • Concentrate or create

  • Feel motivated

  • Experience deep connection or joy

Nervous System Exhaustion

• When we push through life without moments of intentional restoration, our bodies grow tired from the inside out.

• Many of us begin to feel:

  • “Tired but wired”

  • Digestive issues or hormonal shifts

  • Clenched jaws, tight chests, shallow breaths

  • A vague but persistent discontent

This isn’t random. It’s our body trying to get our attention.

When we disconnect from vitality, our bodies carry the burden of unexpressed emotion, unmet needs, and unexamined routine.

The good news? Reconnection reverses this.

Micro-moments of presence—curiosity, play, embodiment—create signals of safety. And from safety, the body can begin to restore.

A Gentle Invitation Back to Aliveness

The way out isn’t dramatic reinvention. It’s not burning down your life or starting over.

It begins with noticing.

Noticing where you go numb. Noticing when a day feels like a repeat. Noticing what moments feel most alive—and which feel most automated.

Here are a few grounding questions to explore:

• What am I doing today simply because it’s what I’ve always done?

• What part of my day feels most looped or lifeless?

• What would a 5% shift toward aliveness look like—right now?

That’s the magic of these small shifts: They don’t overwhelm your system. They gently invite your body to come back into presence.

You’re Allowed to Choose Again

You are not stuck. Even if it feels like the loop has hardened around you.

You get to rewrite the script. You get to invite newness into your life without blowing it up.

And perhaps most importantly— You get to show your children what it looks like to feel again.

To be curious. To be awake. To be human.

Because the truth is, your presence teaches more than your advice ever could.

You don’t have to pass this numb comfort on. You can pass on aliveness instead.

Parenting Note: When Our Kids Mirror Our Loops

Jordan helped me name something I’d been avoiding.

Kids often do that. They name the thing we’ve learned to suppress. They feel the boredom, the stagnation, the emotional repetition—and they speak it out loud.

It’s tempting to fix. To offer a solution. To distract them. To say, “It’s just a phase.”

But what they really need is connection.

Instead of fixing, try:

• “That makes sense. I feel like that sometimes too.”

• “If your day had more color or fun, what might that look like?”

• “Want to come up with one new thing we could try this week?”

Let them see you wrestling with the same feelings. Let them see you trying something new—even if it’s awkward. Let them see that it’s okay to change—even when it’s uncomfortable.

This is how we raise children who don’t numb their way through adulthood.

Gentle Sharing Invitation from Dr. Alona & Dr. Matt

If this piece resonated with you, we’d be deeply grateful if you’d consider sharing it with a friend or loved one.

Your word-of-mouth not only helps this work reach more people — it’s one of the most meaningful ways you can support us and help make this space sustainable. Together, we can create a community where more of us feel seen, supported, and less alone.

Thank you for being here, for reading, and for walking this imperfect path alongside us.

Tomorrow: A Deeper Dive for Paid Subscribers

In tomorrow’s paid subscriber guide, we’ll walk you through small, embodied ways to gently disrupt default mode living—without overwhelming your system. We’ll explore how to map the places you go numb, tune into your body’s aliveness signals, and experiment with simple “5% shifts” that invite more vitality into your day.

You’ll also get somatic check-ins, reflection prompts, and gentle scripts for bringing this awareness into your relationships.

And to help these shifts land not just in your mind but in your body, you’ll receive a guided 3-minute audio meditation—something you can return to each morning this week. It’s designed to meet you in real life (no sitting still required), and offer a felt sense of what it’s like to gently step out of the loop.

If you’ve been longing to break out of autopilot and reconnect with the texture of your own life—we’d love to have you join us as a paid subscriber.